Day 24.....dare I say its getting easier?

Dare I say it?  I am on day 24 and I'm feeling great.  This month so far as been like taking a magic happy pill.  I am more productive at work, I am losing weight, I have been waking up in a good mood.   It has gotten easier at night.  I don't get that thrill of the work day being done and knowing I can jump into a bottle of wine as soon as I get home.  I just know that I won't be drinking tonight, so its easier to not drink.  The most difficult thing is that I have always had in the back of my mind that I would give myself permission to drink on February 1st.  I know how that will end up, just as it has a million times before.   I will gradually (within the week) be right back where I was.  I will have broken the seal.  I will drink February 1st with plans to not drink the next day, or only have a few on the weekend, then I'll drink February 2nd, because I didn't drank that much on the first, and hey, I've got this now.  February third will be a Saturday and I'll allow myself "this one day" to drink more because its the weekend and I'll drink too much. Then Sunday i will fell crummy and will be lazy, and depressed and eat junk food.  Sunday night I will have to drink because the depression is killing me, then Monday I'll start the week off with a bad attitude.

 So, this is my story.  This is exactly what will happen......so, I'm going to do a 100 days with no alcohol challenge.  I have a trip to Las Vegas, a formal dinner party, my birthday and my husband's birthday, and the Superbowl during these months.  "Reasons' to drink.  I am putting it out there.  I am going 100 days without alcohol.  That didn't feel invigorating to say, but I said it nonetheless.  More adventures later.....

Day 17 alcohol free!

Well, here it is, another day under my belt.  Sort of, we haven't hit wine o'clock yet, but my mind isn't counting down until then either.  It is getting easier.  I still have some pangs, and regret that I can't drink at such and such an occasion (we have a formal gala next week and I'm dreading it!)  But, one thing that has helped is reading all of this horrible stuff about what alcohol does to your body.  Now there are reversing the thought that moderate drinking (defined by one drink per day for women-hahahahahahahahahaha) is no longer considered good for you.  Fatty liver is reduced by 40% with just 28 days abstinence.  I am fairly certain I will make it through this month.  My plan is to continue on next month.  I have a conference in Las Vegas next month....ugh.

I am one of those people that doesn't understand why I drink like I do.  I know that what I want on a bad day is to numb out the day, and be forced to sit quietly and ignore the world.  When sober I am too responsible to ignore work crises, family crises, and household chores.  I don't give a crap about those things when I am drinking.  Then that carries over to a bad attitude and lazy behavior the next day.  I have been drinking about a bottle of wine a day, and many times two plus a martini or two on the weekend.  I think I just got used to the hangover.

Now my side affects are positive mood during the day.  Kicking butt at work, not having rip roaring fights with my husband, and an overall positive outlook even though there is a lot of family stuff I have to deal with.  The seventeen days that have gone by since the new year seems like months,but I'm hanging in there! 

Two weeks alcohol free!

Well, here I am, sitting in my office on a Monday morning feeling great!  It really is a pink cloud kind of day.  I have been working non-stop since January 1st, and I admit alcohol was many times my "permission" to shut it down.  I often shut it down when I still had things to do and deadlines to meet.  Alcohol would make me not give two (bleeps) about finishing work, it would put me into I am just going to chill out mode.  Now, I'm getting things done, and I'm not waking up in the middle of the night sweating, stressed out, and hating myself to death.  I would get up in the middle of the night (don't you love how this makes it seem so long ago, its only been two weeks) and use the restroom, and just sit there in the dark praying to a God to help me.  Then I couldn't go back to to sleep.  Now, I don't wake in the middle of the night (for long) trips to the bathroom are still happening, I'm hydrated now, so sorry for the TMI.

Let me say this two weeks hasn't been easy.  I have started and stopped drinking a million and one times before, but making it for two weeks has only happened three times including this one.  How did something so innocent as drinking a glass or two of wine on the weekends turn into drinking a bottle or two (and three) every single day.  My husband would bring home a single bottle of wine on occasion and I would get irate!  Only one bottle, FOR US TO SHARE?  It never worked.  Not only that,  I always ended up ordering more (since I have to pay the delivery fee I might as well stock up for tomorrow too-ha!).  Yes, we know have alcohol and wine delivery in our neighborhood.  Good for keeping people from drunk driving, bad for impulse decisions to drink more.  My alcohol intake went higher knowing that I could order more, and frequently did.  I also convinced myself that ordering for tomorrow too was smart, until I drank that supply on the same night.

One of the most difficult things is about drinking, I could drink two bottles of wine and still read before bed, wake up not feeling terrible, but never see the beauty in anything.  I could say it is a nice day outside, but I didn't feel it inside.  It was as if I was looking at a painting with no real feeling to it.  When I am sober, I can appreciate a good day.  Why don't I remember this stuff when I want to drink?  Well, off to work on a project.  Life is good!

Day Eight and feeling great or hate, depending on the moment.

Well here I am at Day 8.  If anyone would see Day 8 they would laugh and think that is no big deal, you are off alcohol for eight whole days.  Well it has been easy, and not easy.  In reading the Dry January Facebook page I realize that many people have already hit the bottle and we are at the beginning of the second week. Its amazing how difficult it is.  There is habit, there is desire, and there is just plain ole I just want to have a drink.  I know I have never been a drinker that only has one drink.  Ever.  I don't sip with pleasure one glass of wine with a meal and then not think of alcohol again.  I'm sure if you did a brain scan on me you would see that in anticipation of drinking that my brain probably lights up like a Christmas tree with excitement.  Its the excitement that I like.  I feel so adult,and fun, and relaxed at the thought of a drink. Then I drink and it never tastes as good as I think it will. It is good sometimes, but rarely tastes great.  I don't get that warm tingling happy feeling anymore when I drink.  Its usually that I feel just a little more dull in the senses, then I feel tired, and then I feel drunk.  Why these challenges are hard is that I know I need to be working for a lifetime of not drinking, but the thought scares me.  I will make it through today.  I don't know if I would if we had alcohol in the house, but we don't and I won't get any.   The liquor store near my house delivers now.  I will make it to Day 9, I was just stating a fact.  Sigh......

Today is another day in the sobersphere.  I feel good, I have slept more soundly the past two nights.  The first night I slept terribly, not sure if that was alcohol withdrawal or if I just had a bad night of sleep.  I do feel like I own the day in the morning.  Wine o'clock is the worst time for me.  Right after work, I hear it calling my name.  That does not mean I will let alcohol win.   I won't.....hear me now, I will stay alcohol free this month.  I have a long, busy day ahead of me, and will get no days off this week so it is niggling at the back of my mind that this week will be unbearable without a break.  I can do this, I know I can.  Its ridiculous that I have to deal with this. 

Its funny, when I read blogs, it seems like everyone starts out by saying they don't drink in the morning, or blackout, or they are highly functioning.  My own opinion is, if you drink too much, you are not functioning at your highest level.  I function every day, work long hours, do charity work, am on a board, but I feel like I drag myself though all of this.  I may "get by" and maybe others would be surprised that I drink like I do, but in reality, I am less patient with people, I am bossy, and secretly insecure.  I know these things are related to alcohol.  Also, I am fat!  I used to be so athletic, I am now porky.  When I saw how many calories I was consuming in the Dry January app, I realized it would be impossible not to lose weight just be cutting the alcohol calories. 

On to another day! 

Dry January

Well, it is the beginning of January, and I'm doing the Dry January challenge.  What do I hope to gain from it?  Well, truthfully I hope I will find it easier than I anticipate, and continue on.  The plan for now is to take one day at a time, and make it through January without the booze.  Yes, I drank a lot over the holidays, I usually drink one bottle wine a night.  On weekends it is probably two, or a few cocktails and a bottle of wine.  I hope that by blogging about this (adventure???) will help me continue with this.  Today is January 3rd, January 1st I was hung over, felt thirsty, but it was an "approved" yoga pants sort of day, so I didn't feel so miserable.  There was crushing depression on the evening of the first though.  I was bummed that work was going to be in full gear, that it would be go, go, go.....and I'd have to face it without wine o'clock.  I made it.